National Crime Victims Rights Week 4/18/10-4/24/10

On the campus of Farmingdale State College is the MADD Garden of Awareness Memorial and Wall of Remembrance.  This was established to honor and memorialize the victims of drunk drivers.  In recognition of National Crime Victims Rights Week, we gathered in the garden to cry, to console each other, to honor our sons, daughters, husbands, wives and friends, and to have all of their names read.  It was the first time Jim and I had attended this ceremony.  Quiet tears streamed down many faces and I was glad that I had worn sunglasses.  The mournful tune of the bagpipes added to the emotion.

I knew that I would hear Matt's name, but I did not realize that they would go through all of the names on the wall.  Matt joins, Matt Marino, Mike's friend who was riding his bike in his neighborhood, when he was struck by a teeenage driver, who had been drinking in a neighborhood park.  Matt Marino did not die instantly, but lived to the next day.  Matt Marino was 11 and had played soccer with Mike.  Frank "Stormin" Gorman was a soccer hero for  Hofstra.  His mother was a bit of a legend herself with the Brentwood Soccer Club.  Frank was 26.  Matt would not have remembered either of these two young victims.  Matt was 2 when Matt Marino was killed.  Althought Matt played for Brentwood United for three years, I do not think he ever met Frank Gorman.  Matt was just 19 when he became a victim himself.  National Crime Victims Rights should be designated for longer than a week.  Drunk drivers kill 3 year olds and 74 year olds.  They do not discriminate based on age, sex, race, religion, economics or what you had left unfinished in life.  Now they are forever linked together-victims of terrorists who struck and killed them.  There is a bit of a September 11th feel to this.  The police officers are victims too.

First Annual Matthew Scarpati Memorial Walk

What do you get when you mix 30 Pi Lambda Phi's with an idea to honor a brother, who has been murdered?  The recipe for inspiration and the knowledge that while we walk the grief trail, we do not walk it alone.  Matt pledged Pi Lambda Phi over a year ago.  Four months after pledging, Matt was killed.  However, because of the brothers that Matt chose, we have received the gift of many sons.

If you ever doubt that there is goodness in the world, please call me.  I can certainly affirm that there is indeed a love of life, a dedication to making this world a better place and compassion and understanding for our fellow man.  Good people live, breathe, work, study and many attend or have graduated from the Universiy at Buffalo.  These people would not be in my life without Matt.  March 28, 2010 was a very good day.  Thank you, Beth Obad, Chapter President of MADD, Williamsville, NY, for taking the time to tell your story to the participants.  I know it resonated with all of us.

Court

I do not have a lot of experience going to court.  Law and Order portrays a much condensed version of the actual proceedings.  What happens in an hour, takes months and months in actuality.  There were several court dates before the one where we first attended on February 18, 2010.  The following were present: a defense attorney with a flamboyant tie, a defendant paddling along with his feet in his wheel chair, his family, court officers, random people in the gallery, the court stenographer, our family, the district attorney and a very serious judge.  I was happy to see that he was serious, after all what could be more serious than the murder of my 19 year old innocent son?  Because he was the victim of a crime, an autopsy of Matt was required.  Of course, I had to read the autopsy.  Some will feel that is crazy, but I had to know how my baby died.  It was not enough to tell me that he was struck by an 800lb Harley-Davidson motorcycle, piloted by a 250lb man, going 80-100 mph.  I wanted to know so much about his last minutes, seconds, and I will never know clearly whether he saw James Ryan thundering down on him, whether or not he felt terror, even for a second.  Matt was such a beautiful spirit that it is almost impossible to bear that he may have seen his murderer.  Death, be not proud.  You did nothing wonderful on July 20, 2009. 
And the court process is slow.  Each month there is a court date and we inch along on the wheel of progress.  Swift and speedy justice is nothing like the old West.

I think about the possibility of forgiving a sub-par human, but I am not strong enough for that.  This was not the miscalculation of a kid.  This was the reckless behavior of an adult, who it appears has always done whatever he likes.  What the underlying cause might be, I cannot say.  The result is Matt's ribs were broken, his lungs filled with blood from his heart, his liver lacerated, scrapes and cuts-he could not survive the blow.  The violent contrast of the picture in my head of the accident scene, the chaos of EMS workers, onlookers, good Samaritans and a helicopter with a last ride for my son in the air, with the orderly way the aftermath is-Court.  There are rules and etiquete that must be followed and everyone seems to know that we have to be respctful of the process.  I wish some could have been respectful of life, my son's life and all who were on the Parkway and Bike Path that day.

The Journey Continues Slowly

We have met with State Senator Charles Fuschillo, Assembylman Dave McDonough and Governor David Paterson, along with representatives from the DOT.  We have been promised that guard rails, made out of steel cabling, will be installed, hopefully before Memorial Day 2010.  Much of our energy was focused on achieving this goal, something that community activists and residents had identified as a need years before.
I saw this bike path for the first time on July 21, 2009.  Why wasn't there protection for the cyclists, runners, walkers and baby strollers being pushed by parents?  No answer will ever be satisfactory.  Matt is dead and there is no turning back.

However, we cannot move forward without acknowledging the incredible  support from our friends, family, Matt's friends and total strangers.  This whole experience reminds me of the carrot, the egg and the coffee bean.  When placed in boiling water, the carrot becomes soft and mushy; the egg becomes hard; but, the coffee bean changes the water and produces a delicious drink.  I am trying to be a coffee bean, although there are days when I am sure I am destined to be a carrot or an egg. 

We met with the University at Buffalo Foundation development office in August.  Through the generosity of friends and strangers, we were able to establish an endowed scholarship in Matt's name and a scholarship at Long Island Junior Soccer League.  All we had to do from here on, was get through the criminal process. 

But, no.  That would not happen.  Matt's friends had an idea of fund raising at Half Hollow Hill East in his memory.  The bike ride, that was discussed at the funeral home, suddenly was taking a life of its own.  Pi Lambda Phi, Matt's fraternity, was planning an event.  A stranger who knew Matt casually at the UB Newman Center, had a mass said in Matt's memory and invited us to attend.  That mass turned out to be said by the Bishop of Buffalo, who was dedicating the new Newman Community Center, followed by a luncheon, the invitation extended to my family.  How overwhelming to have people that you have never met, be so kind.  Dan, one of Matt's best friends, had an idea about a soccer tournament in Matt's memory.  That is scheduled for June 12th.  The Miles For Matt Bike Tour is scheduled for June 6th.  The First Annual Matthew Scarpati Memorial Walk was held at UB in March.  Matt would be so proud of his PiLam brothers.

I always told my kids that when life served up lemons, make lemonade.  That is much easier said then done, but we are working on it.

The Crime

There are many statistics about the injuries and deaths caused by drinking and driving.  MADD has many of them. One in three of us will be in an alcohol related crash in our lifetime is one that resonates with me.  However, until you have suffered a loss like this, you have no idea what the road ahead holds.  James J. Ryan suffered a traumatic brain injury when he killed Matt.  He was hospitalized from July 20th until sometime in December, when he was transferred to a nursing/rehab center.  He is still there.  To the best of our knowledge, Mr. Ryan had no insurance at the time of the crash, appears to have no assets and is basically without resources - financial or moral.  That is the harsh truth.  We do not believe that this was his first DUI, however, perhaps the crash that killed Matt will take this person out of circulation for a while.  The current law will give him a chance to do this again.  We as a society need to get more firm with this crime.

Matt was fixing his tire on a very well traveled New York State bike path.  This bike path had no barriers to traffic going by.  Many people traveling north on the Wantagh State Parkway would be coming from Jones Beach, a natural treasure.  A cyclist had stopped to ask Matt if he needed help.  Matt told him that he was fine and the other cyclist continued on.  If he had stayed, there might have been two fatalities that day.

The Aftermath

Only families of victims of crime really can understand the misery that compounds the grief journey that our family was propelled on that evening.  We walked and we talked, but in the end all I wanted to do was to get in bed and never get out.  That wasn't an option.  Jim and I went to Nassau County Coronor's Office to identify Matt.  He was wrapped in plastic and looked asleep, except for the scrapes on his face.  This was unfortunately the second time we had done something like this.  Eight years earlier, Matt's older brother Mike, had died suddenly.  This is a family's worst nightmare - squared.  Once we had identified Matt, the press was at our home and Chris did a wonderful job of talking to the press.  The funeral was easy to arrange.  Jim had kept the program from Mike's funeral.  It had been a beautiful service, so we asked that the format be followed  Msgr. MacDonald agreed to say the mass for Matt, although he was no longer in our parish.  He adlibbed a bit, but then he was there to comfort Matt when Mike died.  I will never forget him.

We were blessed by family and friends who came from all over to help us through the worst experience of my life.  Matt had not died of natural causes.  Matt had been murdered.  There were something over 450 people who signed the book at the funeral home and I know not everyone was able to find the book to sign.  Two of Matt's best friends spoke at his wake.  They were forced to be brave beyond their years.

Matt would have been so impressed with the police escort from the funeral home, to the church and to the cemetery.  We went from the cemetery to the Huntingotn Hilton with friends and family to eat and talk.  Then people began to leave and return to their own lives, as they must,  and we were to begin life, adjusting to a new normal.  I know not how we got through that week.  It is hard enough now.

The Crash

On July 20, 2009, Matt overslept.  We woke up to him yelling that he was going to be late for work.  We jumped in the car and headed off to Manhattan.  He was grumpy and silent most of the trip.    He was unhappy about letting his colleagues down.  We did not even say goodbye.

Jim and I arrived home around 8:30pm.  I still remember that I was going to call Matt at about 7:20pm to see how his day had gone.  I didn't.  Becky was at home, ironing Matt's white shirt for Tuesday and she told us that Matt had gone for a bike ride.  Chris had picked Matt up from the LIRR train station.

I sat and waited for Matt to come home.  I called his cell phone and got voicemail  I thought that he was at Danny's house, until there was a knock at the door.  It was now midnight.  That is never a good sign.
Three state troopers were standing at my door.  That was not a good sign either.  They asked me if there was anyone else in the house.  I told them Jim.  They waited for him to get out of bed and come downstairs.
They told us that a motorcycle had left the Wantagh State Parkway and hit Matt, who was on the Wantagh State Bike Path.  He was fixing a flat tire, when James Ryan, doing between 80-100 mph and later to be found DUI, left the parkway and struck Matt.  Matt was airlifted to Nassau University Medical Center, but died, surrounded by professionals doing their best.  I could not comprehend this.  The information bounced off of me.  I was in shock.  So were we all.  State troopers went to Adam and Gabrielle's to give them the news.  There was no sleep that night.  I am not sure how many tears were shed, but I do know that there is little that I can remember about that evening.

http://wcbstv.com/local/dwi.motorcycle.matt.2.1095701.html

Our Vacation 2009

Matt knew he would have at least a week off from work, perhaps two.  However, the planning was a bit last minute.  Matt told me that he wanted a great vacation.  What would be a great vacation?  His retort, " Lumberjacking in the Redwoods or playing golf in San Diego", prompted me to explain that there was no lumberjacking in the redwoods allowed.  He smiled from ear to ear.  Florida would be a great alternative, however buying airline tickets at the last minute was not inexpensive.  So, we decided to go to Lake George in July and would plan a trip to Florida in August, before he had to return to the University at Buffalo.  Matt could drive to Lake George by himself -250 miles-a test run for the possible drive to University at Buffalo at the end of August.  Matt was lobbying for a car and we agreed to discuss it.

We went to the Lake on July 3rd.  Adam, Gabrielle and the month old Santino were already there. We dined at Five Guys, a great place to take an infant.  On July 4th I went to Saratoga for the Firecracker Run with Jim.   Jim, Matt and Jack played golf.  We dined out.  Matt and I slept late and we had a ball, despite the unusually cool and often rainy weather that week.  Jim left to go to work and would return on Thursday evening.  Matt was so happy.  He bought new clubs, which I suggested was not the wisest purchase for a sophmore taking 17 credits.  He explained that these clubs would last several years and that his tax refund would more thatn compensate for the purchase.  If we gave him a car to take to UB, then he would be able to drive to the golf course, saving a lot of time.  We bought a kayak, which we all enjoyed.  I knew we had found an activity that the whole family could enjoy.  We looked at cars for Matt, ate breakfast at Sutton's, Matt rode his bike, played more golf and finally went shopping for a suit at Brooks Brothers.  He looked spectacular in the suit and of course, I bought it.  Sunday, July 12th we headed out-Matt was working and had to return to Manhattan.  It was a wonderful time.